Loving Life:
Pure Fiction
Just when my husband is at his hottest I can’t touch him. And it’s not that I can’t, but it would be pointless. He’s been so busy with work. Doing real professional stuff. Wearing a suit daily. And doing hot professional stuff. It’s so professional and so hot that I can’t even say what it is. And it’s all day every day! But because it’s all day/every day he’s either not home or asleep! So, that’s why touching him during his oh-so-steamy phase is ridiculous to even think about.
And while he’s busy being hot…well…maybe it’s a good time for us to spend some time apart. Because I have fricken hemorrhoids. Or at least I think it’s hemorrhoids. The area that would be responsible for housing such a nuisance is killing me. But I am absolutely not willing to go to a doctor and have that region examined to find out if it is truly hemorrhoids or not. I finally broke down and went to Target yesterday to buy ointment for my presumed ‘rhoids. While there I did some shopping for a baby gift for a shower I was going to. While hanging out in the baby section and internally oohing and ahhing over little baby things I started chatting with a good looking younger couple that were expecting their first baby. We talked about the joys of having a baby right before Halloween so they can have their first costume when they are little and squishy. We talked about childbirth (only good stories). We talked about the most efficient breast pump to buy. We finally parted ways when my oldest kid called me on my cell phone from his cell phone to request my presence in the Lego section of Target. I convinced the boy to wait until next week to purchase the Lego set he really wanted and taught him how to hide the one he wanted that only had two left behind the set that had about ten boxes left. Then I totally forgot that I promised The Boy a few brand spanking new dollar bills if he would buy my hemorrhoid cream because I was really embarrassed.
I was heading in the pharmacy section and couldn’t find any section that looked right. Eye Care, Colds/Flu, Anti-itch (that was close), but I was starting to think I was going to have to ask the person at the pharmacy counter. I didn’t want to buy the stuff myself and I was going to have to ASK FOR IT!?! Well, in the nick o’ time I did find it. Turned around and there it was. And turned a little more and there was the really adorable couple expecting their first baby! I had to leave. This couple was too adorable and I did not want them seeing me in the hemorrhoid cream section! What would they think of me? That I wasn’t the cool and charming seasoned mom with sage advice or that I lied that having three kids come out of me was so great that here I was needing something to soothe the regions near my regions because of the umm pressure of three kids that came out of me?
I left. Went back to the Lego aisle, got my son, wandered around a bit until I was sure that the cute, non-hemorrhoid couple were gone, got my cream and found a check out lane. Then I had the dilemma of going through the line of the older clerk who might just look at me with sympathy or the very young clerk who might look at me like, "damn you are old if you are buying this and what are hemorrhoids anyway?" I went with younger, and acted as nonchalant as possible. I think it worked. She didn’t snicker or look at me weird or anything. Then I remembered that I probably could have used my Medical Savings Account Debit Card. I decided just to skip it rather than have to discuss whether that purchase would be eligible or not. Why push my luck since I still hadn’t died of total embarrassment yet and why push my luck?
So, here I am. Totally hot, totally untouchable husband who is NEVER home right now. My ass is killing me. Oh, yeah and now my period decides to start being regular (I used to be every 6 weeks and now it’s more like the typical 4 weeks…this sucks). All I have to say is that my kids deserve way more than a dad who is really really busy the same week that their mother is in such disrepair.
