Nearly a Week
It has been nearly a week since we dropped The Boy off at Camp Candlelight. That’s the camp that the Arizona Epilepsy Foundation puts on for kids with epilepsy. So, that means that first of all I have to admit that The Boy has epilepsy and then I have to drive him about 2 hours away to Heber, Arizona (Ok, I didn’t do the driving…I did the sleeping while The Husband did the driving).
The Boy was very excited about this week long "camping" experience. I was only a little nervous. Not about how he would do, but about the way my mind would be cruel during the week of his absence. I have managed to stay busy and have only had a few minutes. Mostly to feel guilty that it can be very relaxing not to have to worry about a child. I could still worry long distance, but it’s a different kind of worry when you are the only adult at home all day that is supposed to be in charge. I spend my days trying to give enough space and also not forget to check on him at least periodically. I mean, what if he had a seizure and I didn’t hear it and he fell and I didn’t go check on him and I don’t know what would be next. It would probably be okay unless he played that "I don’t think I’ll breath" trick that he used to do. He has only had two seizures in 2 1/2 years, but still I worry and still I feel guilty because I’m relieved to not be the adult in charge for a full week.
Then there’s that other place I was afraid my mind would take me. The place where I thought about how this is what life might be like all the time if the worst had happened when he was sick–the life of only having two kids. I was afraid that I would be reminded of all the times I thought about how I would survive if I lost a child. How I thought (non-stop at times) of how to keep my son’s memory alive to his sisters–one who was only 3 when her big brother was sick.
But that’s silly, right? My son did live. And he rarely has seizures. And the last two weren’t so severe that he stopped breathing. And he comes home tomorrow! I’m hoping to hear all about the activities, but more importantly what he felt meeting other kids with epilepsy (this was his first time meeting other kids with the same diagnosis). I won’t be making the drive (even as a passenger) to pick him up. I will see him at 6pm when he will be coming to see me graduate from a class I have been taking. It will be a bigger graduation in my mind having given my son his first week of freedom from my crazy thoughts and overprotective nature. (I will not be telling him of my crazy thoughts, so that’s just like they never happened, right?)
