I Wanna…Blog Some

A little bit of background story from something I wrote a couple of years ago in Mothers Who Write class:

Something a Little Newish…

If I become Jewish do I need to denounce all things Catholic?  Do I have to sit in front of a panel of a Jewish Council with a spotlight on me and list all of the things I don’t believe in anymore?  Do I have to promise never to eat a cheeseburger again?   How about ham on my pizza?  Do I have to stop putting up a Christmas tree and getting pictures taken of my kids with Santa?   My husband hid last year’s picture when a kid from Hebrew school came to my son’s birthday party. 

Can I still have flowers at my funeral since that might be the only time they won’t make me sneeze?

If I become Jewish, do I send out announcements like you do when you have a new baby?  

Don’t buy us something pink or bluish,

Our announcement is just something newish,

I am now Jewish!

We have been living as a mixed-up family for 11 years.  It was easier before we had kids.   It was fun buying cards that had Santa Claus wearing a yarmulke and Rudolf with menorah antlers.  There was the added bonus of knowing we were pissing-off people from more than one religion.

The guilt started when we had our first child and went shopping for a Christmas Tree even before we finished cleaning up after his Bris.   ("You just finished cutting off part of your son’s penis, what are you going to do next?"   "I’m going to a Christmas Tree Lot!")   

But if I become Jewish will people no longer see the fully decorated Douglas Fir next to our electric Menorah and strands of Star of David and Dreidel lights when they drive by our house in December?   Will I never be seen at Target reading labels to find Kosher for Passover candy to put in Easter Bunny Baskets? 

Some people call our mixed-up family "interfaith."  That implies we practice more than one religion.   Sure, I was "raised" Catholic by my mom, the former Sister Maria Alfred, and my Baptist dad, the former resident of cell block 7.  But the extent of my religious upbringing seemed to be a few religious statues throughout our house.   There was Mary holding Jesus, St. Bernadette, and the Mary with the broken halo that used to watch me sleep. 

I haven’t considered myself Catholic for many years.  The last time I went to Mass was about 7 years ago at the San Xavier Mission in Tucson, but I ended up with the statues after my parents died. 

If I become Jewish, I think I will have an official going away party for my former religion and the statues that represented it.   I have been thinking about taking the statues to the San Xavier Mission and leaving them in the Chapel, where I’ve seen other people leave things.  I couldn’t just throw them away—you just never know. 

Then I would go shopping for my "I am now Jewish" announcements. 

We have all adjusted (or are pretending to) to the new reality that The Boy still has seizures.  Whatever that means.  He hasn’t had any more.  So the clock is now at 1 week 4 days.  We don’t know what the one at school meant.  Don’t know if it was because of the medication change (although that seems like an obvious thing), or overheating during PE, or the shiny silver shirt he was wearing that should embarrass most kids that know better. 

Next week I take The Boy to an MRI.  Then we try to get appointments with the neurologist and neurosurgeon.  I’ll bet that we don’t end up knowing any more after the appointments than we do now.  Our only certainty is uncertainty.  Could be worse. 

Thanks again to all of my friends that help me through all of the bad stuff and help me celebrate all of the good stuff.  There’s so much more good stuff, isn’t there?

I have spent the last few hours wishing that things weren’t the way they were.  We have a good life and even for the crap that goes wrong it goes wrong in what seems like the best possible way.  It happens that someone is at my house who has nothing else going on for the day and can drive me to my kids’ school because my oldest just had a seizure during P.E. class and can also watch my girls for the afternoon while I go with my oldest to the ER to have drug levels checked and try to get an idea of why he had a seizure during P.E. 

But that is not good enough.  I still want perfection.  And that is not needing to have a friend over at the right time so that I don’t have to navigate the freeway while my body is fighting some kind of panic attack.  I want there to be a clear cut happy ending that is obvious.  I’m tired of a good 6 months.  I’m tired of a good 18 months.  I want a good forever and I want it now.  And not just for myself…although I am self centered and aware that I really do want it equally for myself.  I want it for my oldest child. 

Indulge me for a little while I name a few things I would like for my son:

• to be able to stay home alone while I run to the store for a few minutes
• to be able to go to the water park with his classmates rather than hang out with his mother because of a fear of his drowning
• to be able to drive when he turns 16 without worrying that he will kill or injure himself or others if he had a seizure while driving
• to be able to go on the light rail by himself next year when he’s in the 7th grade and he’s had plenty of practice riding it with his family
• to be able to go off to college someday
• to be able to have a beer someday
• to be able to look back on this someday and say, "what a crappy situation, glad it’s over now" and really know that it’s really over

A mother can dream.  A mother just can’t make any promises.

I really liked John McCain’s speech.  I am really relieved that Obama won.  I am saddened that the majority of the voters in my state felt the need to deny rights rather than preserve and protect them.  What a day.

I voted at about 6:30 am with my kids.  I went to my kids’ school and helped with with Kids Vote.  Then drove home to change and saw a family with signs on the major street corner close to the local Obama headquarters.  One of the signs was mine!  The one with the "O" that was my drawing of the planet Earth.   

Now I am listening to Obama’s speech. 

What a day!

I can’t explain it very well, but I want Obama to be our next president.  In the past presidential elections I was more voting against someone than voting for someone.  But this time it is different.  I am voting for Obama. 

I am not under the illusion (or delusion) that Obama is perfect.  And I used to actually think that our country wouldn’t suffer much if McCain were to win.  I figured that we did technically survive Bush, so I started thinking that it really didn’t matter who was president.  And to some extent I do still believe that, but not as much as before.  I know think that Bush’s attitude has hurt our country.  How people perceive us based on his attitude has hurt our country.  That is how I think Obama can help.  Obama has the kind of attitude that I think will change how "we" see ourselves and how people around the world will see us.

I understand the fear that Obama is great speeches and doesn’t really know enough to be the leader of our country.  And, sure, some of the plans he has mentioned aren’t going to work or even be given a chance to work.  But he wouldn’t be alone in running our country.  We do have a system to ensure that it isn’t just one person calling all of the shots, and I trust that system (even if it’s appears to be the feared trinity of Obama, Pelosi, and Reid). 

What Obama has that we really need is his positive outlook.  It is that he voted against the Iraq War when few people did.  It is that he tells parents that we can’t just leave it up to schools do raise our children, but we need to do our part including turning of TVs.  It is that he has motivated many people who have felt disenfranchised in the past.  And that brings me to…

This election is not about the race of the candidates, but I believe it is about the race(s) of many of the voters.  I don’t think anyone should vote for Obama because he is black or because of "white guilt," but try to think about what his running means to a lot of people who are black, brown, and other groups that have not felt like a whole part of our country.  I keep thinking about what it will mean to today’s kids that may never know what it is like to think a black person could be president, but probably not "in our lifetime."  A great thing about Obama though is that he is all of us.  Or at least it feels like he is.  All of us, only better. 

I will be going to the polls early in the morning and then I will just let it go and hope for the best.  I will have hope no matter what.  Almost nothing can’t be undone someday, but I will have faith that people will vote for change and not more of the same.  And that people in our state and a few others will also remember to vote to include rather than exclude (by voting no on Prop 102).